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God Is In the Fizzle, Too

God Is In the Fizzle, Too

For 239 days I made space in my daily routine for this spiritual practice that tens of thousands of people have journeyed over the centuries. And this weekend it came to a less-than-exciting-fizzling end.

This morning was a big day for me. This morning I concluded something called The Ignatian Exercises. The Exercises were developed by St. Ignatius in the 1500’s as a practice for those considering entering the priesthood though his order, the Jesuits. No, I’m not looking to become a priest, but the Exercises continue on as a spiritual practice in the journey of faith.

There are numerous versions of the Exercises from a week-long retreat, 40 day journey, and more, and all versions are a rigorous walk through the birth, life and ministry, death, and resurrection of Jesus.

This morning I concluded with day 239 of this daily practice. For 8 months I have been walking in this practice.

For 239 days I spent time in Ignatius’ guide for reading scripture, prayer, and journaling. For 239 days I made space in my daily routine for this spiritual practice that tens of thousands of people have journeyed over the centuries. And this weekend it came to a less-than-exciting-fizzling end.

My time with the Ignatian Exercises fizzled rather than finishing with a bang. In the midst of a chaotic weekend of activity, house guests, concerts for my daughter and irregular schedule, my time with the Exercises whimpered to a close. Instead of feeling a mountaintop ending of victory and celebration, instead I closed my journal entry with a tired moment of pause.

I think that’s a metaphor of our faith journey to be honest. 

Life is chaotic and busy no matter what you may try to do to make it something different. These Ignatian Exercises were designed originally for those entering the priesthood who had dedicated their entire daily lives to prayer and scripture. Not many find themselves at that place today. And yet we can still make the space to pause and be present to God.

Regardless of the highs and lows of faith, and independent of any emotion (or lack of it), it’s important to consistently present ourselves to God; to be present to God in prayer, silence, listening, or rest. It’s important to do that daily, moment by moment. There may be days of that which are mountaintop sorts of moments, and there may be days that are far more valley lows. Top, bottom, or somewhere in the middle of our journey doesn’t matter as long as we have made the space for the moments.

God is in the fizzle, too.

My 239 days of the Exercises fizzled to an end, but every day of that chaos included space for God, and I offered my time as a gift to God. Even if it was fizzle and not a bang, I think that gift was received by God. I think that’s important to remember each day of our journey.

 

KonMari of the Soul

We so often carry with us things which weigh us down, hold us back, or even become a sense of our identity. We sit with our woundedness, turning it over and around in our spirits, day after day with no intention of getting rid of it.

I had been hearing a lot about this Netflix show, Tidying Up with Marie Kondo, and a number of my friends have jumped into this KonMari craze. Are you familiar with this? The basic premise is to reduce your home to only those things which spark joy. Too often we have collected “stuff” in our homes, it gets out of control, and eventually we are controlled and overwhelmed by that “stuff” which gathers dust rather than sparking joy. Organizing and tidying according to Marie’s 6 rules, and focusing on the joy in life, is the KonMari method.

I recently watched a few shows and I’m all about it. As I watched, I was surprised at some of the things that people struggled to keep or get rid of, but full disclaimer: my personality is such that I don’t want a lot of things, and the handful of things that I like truly spark joy. Disclaimer 2: I may or may not have more bottles of bourbon than I really need, but again, they spark joy. Am I allowed to say that?

It would be easy enough to stop there and think that I’m doing pretty well.

I ought not stop. Neither should you.

In a conversation the other day, this KonMari concept came up on a spiritual level. We so often carry with us things which weigh us down, hold us back, or even become a sense of our identity. We sit with our woundedness, turning it over and around in our spirits, day after day with no intention of getting rid of it. We have a sort of attachment to some emotional, mental, and spiritual things even if it doesn’t make complete sense.

In keeping with the spirit of KonMari though: do those aspects of your life spark joy? As you sit with burdens, woundedness, hurts, and various baggage, I would assume it doesn’t spark joy.

If not, then why are you holding on to it? Why are you keeping it?

In just the few episodes that I watched, Marie Kondo asked these perceptive questions, which I would argue make her just as much a Spiritual Director as it does a tidying expert. Consider these questions in relation to those things that you are still holding on to in your spirit:

Does this spark joy in your life?

Is this something you would like to keep as a part of your life going forward?

Do you really need this?

Is it necessary for your life?

My guess is, while scary and uncharted, there are a lot of things that we all have been carrying around or holding on to that cause the opposite of joy, and we just don’t know what to do about them. Marie says to get rid of them. As you do, take a moment to say “thank you” for the role they played in who you are, but then let them go. Box them up and get them out of “your house.”

I know that my own physical clutter is minimal, but I’m sure that I need some KonMari principles in my spirit. I’m guessing I’m not the only one.

What do you need let go of? What have you been holding on to that doesn’t spark joy in any way? Say “thank you” and let it go.

 

KonMari of the Soul
Wellness Isn’t Measured on a Scale

Wellness Isn’t Measured on a Scale

…our wellness is not measured on a scale and it certainly isn’t measured by comparing our own wellness against someone else’s.

A while back we got a new bathroom scale. Our old one wasn’t great, and apparently it was much more friendly toward me. When I stepped on the new scale it revealed that the measurement I had been using was off by 11 pounds. Eleven. Pounds.

I wanted to take the scale back immediately and return to my old beloved (and lying) scale. The news of 11 additional pounds kind of rocked me if I’m honest. I had previously been operating with the idea that I still needed to lose about 15 pounds to reach my goal weight, but this new reality was telling me that I needed to lose 26 pounds. I’m not gonna lie—I pouted.

For the last several years I have been on a quest for wellness in my life. Three or four years ago I began a monthly practice of meeting with a spiritual director. I took a month long sabbatical from ministry. I began making more intentional time for my family. I have continued to exercise several times a week in a community setting. I participated in a 6-week Mindfulness class on meditation. I take self-care days monthly to be outside, enjoy nature, and clear my head. 

Sometimes in life we fall into the trap of measuring with the wrong metrics. When we measure the satisfaction or wellness in our life in comparison to others, we will typically find out that we’re off by quite a bit just like my old scale. Wellness isn’t measured on a scale, though. None of the above steps that I’ve added to my life can be measured in a quantifiable way, and it certainly doesn’t show up on my new bathroom scale. Wellness is more about the quality of the moments in your life—it’s qualitative. It’s about experiences and moments and peace and satisfaction.

Often we feel a sense of guilt when we measure ourselves by others, but our wellness is not measured on a scale and it certainly isn’t measured by comparing our own wellness against someone else’s. Find your own measurement. Take care of your self. Work with a friend or significant other who can help in monitoring your progress and will hold you accountable to that personal measurement. 

What wellness metrics do you use?

What steps have you recently taken (no matter big or small) to improve your wellness?

 

Help Me Be Present

God doesn’t need to be summoned, as though God is off somewhere lounging until called upon.  God is already present, at work, and aware of our situations and needs, and it’s us who need to be present and aware of that.

I’ve been thinking about how we pray, or more accurately how I pray I guess I should say. Sometimes I mindlessly pray something like, “God, be with me while I…” whatever the activity or event might be. Sometimes I ask God to be with someone else during a tough time, a sickness, or some other situation. It occurs to me that that’s kind of a ridiculous prayer.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not ridiculous to pray, and it’s not ridiculous to ask God to help me, or others, in a time of need.

It’s kind of a ridiculous prayer, because we don’t ever have to ask God to be present. That’s what God does—or more accurately that’s who God is. God is omnipresent we say. Always present, always aware, always caring and looking upon us with love. God is fully vested in our lives, aware of what we are going through, and God is already with us and seeking connection with us. So why on earth would I pray that God would suddenly be present when that is already who God is in the first place?

The real prayer ought to be, “God, help me be present to You. Help me to be aware of your presence. Help me to consciously be with you.”

It’s easy to become self-absorbed in my own stuff and forget that there is a life and world outside of mine. It’s easy to become so consumed in my own stuff that I am unaware of God’s presence with me in all situations. God doesn’t need to be summoned, as though God is off somewhere lounging until called upon.  God is already present, at work, and aware of our situations and needs. It’s actually ME who needs to be present to, and with, God.

So my prayer has changed recently, and perhaps that’s a helpful shift for you.

“God, help me be present to You.”

How does this change of perspective affect the way you envision God, and perhaps the way you might pray?

 

Help Me Be Present
Just Settle

Just Settle

It took me a while to accept that this too is prayer: to settle, rest, and be still in God’s loving attention upon me.

I was sitting on the couch with my dog in my arms. She was trying to get comfy for a nap while I was spending some time praying in the early morning. She kept shifting and moving and getting distracted by every little sound in the house. She kept looking up at me as though I had said something, or maybe it was somehow to be reassured that I was still right there. Her nap wasn’t happening and neither was my praying.

“Just settle,” I said to her with a calming whisper. “I’m right here, just settle. Rest.”

While trying to pray, I was struck by the irony. I was convicted by the metaphor. 

I so easily get distracted in prayer, sidetracked by the noises of my busy mind racing and trying to figure out what’s next and where I need to be. I circle and circle the latest agitation in my life as I feel like I can’t dare let go. I pause in the midst of broken prayers wondering if God is still there and if God is actually listening.

Sometimes it’s just noise.

Sometimes I can just barely hear God whisper, “Just settle, Trevor. Rest. I’m right here.”

It took me a while to accept that this too is prayer: to settle, rest, and be still in God’s loving attention upon me. I don’t have to perform, say flowery and fancy words to impress God, or come with any agenda whatsoever. I don’t need to talk and talk and talk as though the length of my prayer will carry more weight. 

It can be as easy as just settling into God’s loving presence.

My dog’s favorite place to be is on my lap as she rests in our presence to each other. That’s prayer. I need to learn from my dog I guess.

Just settle. Rest. God is right here.

 

There Is More

The girl had never noticed the gate, or at least she didn’t remember ever seeing it before. It was old, weathered wood with rusty hinges, but with no way to see through it it might as well have been stone like the rest of the wall.

There was a young girl who found great joy in visiting a small park bench nearby her apartment in the city. The park bench stood along a high stone wall, and several flowering plants sprung up from small cement holders giving a lovely fragrance and color to the usually gray surroundings of the city. A large tree stretched over the wall from the other side and shaded the space. Every day the girl would leave her apartment to go and sit on that bench and enjoy the flowers of her quiet, little spot. It was not especially impressive, but it was her refuge in the midst of the hard and dirty surfaces of the city landscape, and it gave her a place to sit and dream the afternoons away.

One day as she sat on the bench, she heard the sound of laughter and of children playing. She looked around in every direction trying to determine where the sound was coming from until suddenly she realized it was on the other side of the wall. She climbed onto the back of the park bench and was able, just barely, to stretch high enough to see over the stone wall. She was astounded to realize that the tree, whose shade she had always enjoyed, was part of a large, beautiful garden. Stretched out before her eyes was a formal English style garden with topiaries and decorative hedgerows. Beautiful flowers bloomed among several flowing fountains while butterflies and bees flew about the space. 

The children in the garden looked up to see the girl peering over the stone wall. They laughed and called to her, “Come on in and play with us!”

“I’m not big enough to climb the rest of the wall. I can’t make it,” the little girl said.

“Don’t be silly, just use the gate right there! Come, we’ll open it for you.”

The girl had never noticed the gate, or at least she didn’t remember ever seeing it before. It was old, weathered wood with rusty hinges, but with no way to see through it it might as well have been stone like the rest of the wall. As the gate swung open, the children giggled again as her eyes opened wide to take in the beauty of the massive garden. They all let out a squeal as she joined them, and they spent the rest of the afternoon together running around the topiaries, hiding behind the decorative hedgerows, and dancing with the butterflies.

Before this day, the little girl had never considered that there might be more to enjoy than her solitary park bench on the other side of that stone wall. As she stretched and strained to see over the wall, new worlds unfolded before her in magical gardens. She only needed to get past that wall.

Our spiritual journeys can often seem just fine. What we have experienced has been enough, and really it might be all we have ever known. Far too often we have stayed there in the same place without ever realizing that there is more—more to be explored and experienced, new people with whom to journey, and magic to be experienced as our spiritual horizons expand. There is more. 

Scale the walls or find the gate. Explore new spaces. Dance with butterflies. 

Don’t just stay on the park bench.

 

There Is More
make_space

make_space

I didn’t have any space or margin in my life, not because there wasn’t any to be had, but b/c I had not been intentional in making it. Spiritually and emotionally and mentally speaking I could no longer breathe.

When I was in high school I remember thinking that being a Christian would be easier when I got to college. When I was in college I remember thinking that being a Christian would be easier after I graduated. After I graduated and later felt a call to ministry I remember thinking that being a Christian would be easier when I was paid to be one. I don’t know why I thought any of those things, because it hadn’t gotten easier at any of the steps along the way. If anything, moving into full-time ministry had made it harder to live out a life of faith.

At the point that I reached year 18 of paid ministry, things had never gotten easier and I was feeling the pinch of life, ministry, family, and constant activity with a generous portion of stress and anxiety poured on top. I was stressed out, overworked, exhausted, and quickly losing passion for ministry. At that point I felt God nudging me and telling me to make_space.

make         space

s     p     a     c     e

I didn’t have any space or margin in my life, not because there wasn’t any to be had, but b/c I had not been intentional in making it. Spiritually and emotionally and mentally speaking I could no longer breathe. Thankfully my church blessed me with a 30-day sabbatical to get away and be refreshed and renewed.

My wife and I initiated that sabbatical time with a trip to the tattoo parlor where I got that phrase permanently printed on my forearm. 

make_space  

It will be a constant reminder to intentionally make space for God, for breath, for rest, for life-giving relationship, for reflection, and for anything else that would bring joy and life rather than the bone-weary-exhaustion that I had come to believe was normal.

Regularly spending time with a Spiritual Director has now become a major part of the way I personally make_space in the midst of busy life, and my dream is to create an environment where that can be true for others. That’s the purpose of this blog, this website, and eventually my Spiritual Direction Practice for others. May you make_space for God and those things which are life-giving and a blessing for you.

[Sidenote: I am currently training to become a Spiritual Director. You can check that portion of the website to read more about what that entails. I am not currently taking clients until my certification is complete, but in the mean time please keep up with my writing here, along with some other opportunities that I share along the way.]